


Herbs

by DreamOfStories



Series: Differences [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Assassination Attempt(s), Dwarves don't listen, First Meetings, Food Poisoning, Gen, Medicine, Not Beta Read, One Shot Collection, Poor Bilbo, Protective Dwalin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-12 19:48:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3353165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamOfStories/pseuds/DreamOfStories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When raiding an unfamiliar pantry it's important to check for certain things. You know, how old the food is, has it been stored correctly, is that cheese supposed to have blue mould growing all over it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Store Raiders

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Mediator](https://archiveofourown.org/works/779298) by [Mynuet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mynuet/pseuds/Mynuet). 



> In which dwarves don't listen, hobbits use herbs to manage hay fever and really Kili is very lucky Bilbo is as good at keeping track of things as he is...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When raiding an unfamiliar pantry it's important to check for certain things. You know, how old the food is, has it been stored correctly, is that cheese supposed to have blue mould growing all over it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which dwarves don't listen, hobbits use herbs to manage hay fever and really Kili is very lucky Bilbo is as good at keeping track of things as he is...

Bilbo Baggins was not having a good time. It had started out as a good day. Gandalf had left easily enough the day before after Bilbo had refused to join his so called 'adventure' and he hadn't come back for tea that day or this one. Bilbo had began to think that the strange old man had actually decided to listen for once... That was, he'd thought so until a knock at his door had led to a dwarf a good foot taller than him barging his way inside.

The stranger had not stopped at his questions, barely given his own name and been completely and utterly rude. He'd just barged in and proceeded to eat his dinner as if he had every right to be there. A lovely dinner it would have been too, carefully prepared trout baked in a coating of ground parsley leaves and tarragon to enhance the flavour and perfectly steamed cabbage, tender stemmed broccoli and carrots to go with it. It would all have polished off nicely with some scones, a bit of cake... Maybe some cheese and a bit of that wine he'd been saving...

Then another dwarf had arrived - the first one's brother apparently - appearing to be far more polite than other at first until they'd smashed heads together and reminded Bilbo that no, dwarves were dwarves. Bilbo had allowed them a moment to get their greetings out their way (more than generous given they'd just all but forced their way into his home!) before he'd tried to find out why exactly they were here... Only they'd both ignored him and continued to raid his pantry - as if they had every right to it! He'd tried to be polite, to explain that this was just really unacceptable, but they'd completely ignored him. It was enough to make a hobbit....

Then the door had gone again and those two were quickly joined by another dwarf pair - Fili and Kili apparently - who had shown no respect at all for the few remaining items he had left of his mother's, barged their way into the house when he'd tried to shut the door (literally this time) and taken liberties he wouldn't have been happy with from invited guests let alone complete strangers.

He'd got back from freeing himself of the various weapons the newest dwarf had dumped on him only to see Kili about to take a bite out of a pastie on a rather familiar plate. Realisation had hit him in a flash and Bilbo had promptly done the only thing he could do. He had grabbed the nearest small object to hand and lobbed it as hard as he could. The cup - thankfully not one of his mother's best pieces of china - had been aimed to and had knocked the pastie out of the dwarf's hand seconds before he was about to take a bite. That it shattered as it did so, drawing blood from the dwarf's hand and sending a couple of shards into the white haired one's cheek, was unfortunate but a necessary side effect.

It's not as if Bilbo had any other options after all.

It should be noted at this point that blatterdock root is perfectly harmless to hobbits and can, in fact, be very beneficial for those suffering from pollen allergies. Bilbo Baggins being fairly learned in herb law (what with the sale of herbs providing the majority of his tenant's income) was well aware of this. He was also aware due to his trade contracts with the Bounders (who were required to know such things as to prevent accidents) that blatterdock root was in fact extremely poisonous to the majority of other races - in particular to dwarves. His reaction to seeing one of his newest (and unwanted) guests about to take a large mouthful of blatterdock laced pastie was therefore quite understandable.

Just as understandable was the first dwarf - the dwarven giant named Dwalin - promptly slamming into one of the wooden beams of his home and pinning him by his throat to the wall with a roar.

"What the hell was that halfling?! Yah think-"

Bilbo was rather lacking in breath at that point, the dwarf's forearm pressing harshly against his throat, but he did manage to gasp out the following:

"Die - Blatterdock - food -"

"You poisoned the food?! Why you-"

In all probability things could have gone very badly for our poor hobbit then had the yells of the dwarves inside not drawn the attention of their comrades outside - along with a certain meddling wizard. Gandalf, instantly guessing that something had caused his plans to go very very wrong, frowned at the door.

"Dori! The door!"

The strongest dwarf in the company wasted little time in throwing himself at the round wooden door, shoulder first. The force of one hundred and fifty pounds of determined dwarven muscle is not easily dismissed and the small door's latch was no match at all. It broke easily, the green door bouncing off the wall from the force. The eight dwarves on the doorstep swarmed in, ready for trouble with weapons out. They were met with the sight of a bleeding Kili and Balin, a furious Fili wrapping some sort of cloth around his brother's hand and Dwalin pinning a rather blue looking hobbit - presumably their would-be burglar - to the wall.

Gandalf, who'd entered immediately behind Dori, wasted no time in knocking Dwalin back with his staff and inserting himself firmly in between the Company and the hobbit. Bilbo slumped to the floor and focused on trying to breath through his badly bruised windpipe.

"What is going on here?!"

Dwalin growled, pulling out a knife from his belt. "You're burglar tried to poison us - that's what! Not to mention nearly blinded young Kili with that cup he threw!"

Gandalf blinked at the shards of pottery being ground into the carpet and turned to peer turned down at the hobbit. "Bilbo...?"

Wincing at the pain in his throat, Bilbo peered blearily up at Gandalf, his eyes struggling to focus. "They didn't listen... Just... He was going to eat it... Had to..."

"Eat what?"

"Pastie... Just like mother made... Every spring... Not for dwarrow..."

For a moment Gandalf blinked and then pinched his nose. "Blatterdock root."

Bilbo grinned blearily. "Goes well with Blueberry tea..."

"It's true then," Gloin interrupted, scowling at the hobbit. "He poisoned the food."

Gandalf shook his head and sighed. "No, blatterdock root isn't poisonous to hobbits. In fact it's consumed in large quantities fairly frequently to help those afflicted cope with various allergies they might have. I'm surprised Bilbo knew that it was poisonous to dwarves however - and grateful that he stopped young Kili from taking a bite."

Dwalin scowled. "So you're rough didn't just try to assassinate the line of Durin then?"

"Of course not! This was all just a small mistake. Thankfully one without any serious consequences due to Master Baggins quick thinking." Gandalf smiled at them, "Perhaps I can trouble one of you to see to that cup? And it would be best to stick to the plain foods rather than the pies and cakes for now I think... Now Bilbo..."

"Gandalf...? Why... Why are their dwarves here? And... And you're all wobbly..."

"Oh dear. Oin, could you perhaps lend your assistance..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as a random thought when reading Dori's explanations of the differences between dwarves and hobbits to Bilba in the Mediator by Mynuet (particularly chapter 4). I thought, well, different races being allergic to different things... What if this had happened at the begining? What if someone ate something they really shouldn't in that big rush to the pantry... What if it was really really poisonous to dwarves?
> 
> Nah... I couldn't do that to Bilbo. The dwarves would kill him - especially if it was Kili or Fili.
> 
> Still, if anyone wants to write a darker version where that did happen, feel free - just drop me a line. I would be particularly interested in reading about the aftermath... Picture it one of the Company being accidentally poisoned (fatally or otherwise) and blame being thrown around left, right and centre... Would there be a murder trial in the Shire? Dwarf justice? How would it all work?


	2. Assassins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When taking medicine, no matter how safe or familiar it is, you should always be certain of the source. Just in case there is a mix-up of some kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Bilbo feels the need to remind his dwarves that he is neither stupid nor a child in need of a minder and his dwarves very kindly disagree.

Bilbo wasn't sure he liked winters in Erebor - or at least this one. It wasn't that the mountain was too cold - the newly lit furnaces saw to that. It wasn't even the lack of sunlight - spending time visiting Roäc and talking about various things let him see plenty. No, the problem was that with winter here and the work to rebuild Dale all but finished, the dwarves were turning their attention to fixing the inside of the mountain.

Twice Bilbo had been forced to ask a guard for directions after diverting around building work (as a group they all seemed very eager to help him find his way around) and once he'd had to dodge a small landslide of sand. He wasn't sure where that had come from and Bofur had seemed rather surprised when he'd mentioned it. Apparently it had been delivered to the wrong place or something...

The absolute worst part of all this building work though was the dust.

If it wasn't Bifur or Bofur coming back covered in rock dust after supervising another survey of the mines then it was Ori covered in dust from unearthing yet another long lost cache of records and treaties or the general dust and debris from work-dwarves replacing stonework all over the place. It clogged up the air something terrible and while his fellow company members didn't feel it anywhere near as strongly, his poor hobbit lungs ached to stand outside in a good breeze where he could just, you know, breathe. Oin had been less than sympathetic (and Bilbo could understand that really given the number of patients he had recovering from the battle) but after his third time waking up struggling to take a proper breath he was almost to the point of begging. It was _scary_ in a way completely different to facing a dragon to wake up and not be able to breath properly.

"Master Bilbo? I was supposed to take this to your rooms but the guard said you were still here..."

Bilbo looked up from his work desk to smile at the young serving dwarf standing at the door with a cup of something steaming gently. A quick glance at the candle had him grimacing. "Yes... Yes of course it is past time for me to stop working isn't it? Still these plans need to be finished by spring if we're going to be ready for planting."

The young dwarf smiled shyly. "There's time though surely? It's not mid-winter night yet."

"True enough. Here, I'll drink that quickly and you can run the cup back to the kitchens. You're ma will be wondering what's keeping you won't she, lad?"

"If you don't mind Master Bilbo..."

"Of course not." Taking the cup, Bilbo took a small sip and smiled, "Wonderful, I guess Oin took pity on me after all."

"Master Oin?"

"Well yes, I've been having awful problems with my chest recently. It's all this dust, you know. Not that Blatterdock root in your wine has the most pleasant taste but still..." Bilbo paused. The lad had let out a gasp of horror and was backing away slowly - his face white as the snow as he looked between the cup and the hobbit. "What is it?"

"I... I'll get the guards! Just hold on Master Bilbo! They'll know what to do!"

-/-/-

Bilbo was not impressed. He now had guards - very obvious ones. They trailed him around, not even trying to be discrete, and loomed forcefully over everyone he stopped to talk with. It was making it very difficult to get any shopping done. Dwalin just scowled at him when he bought it up and stomped off. Balin nodded along to all his concerns and then calmly informed him that it would just be for a few more weeks. Gloin and Ori were avoiding him and he was avoiding Oin and Dori because they started fussing if he so much as sniffled these days. Nori was suddenly never around - even missing most of the Company's weekly suppers - and Bifur, Bofur and Bombur insisted that he took every meal either with them in the royal kitchens or with Thorin. Most irritating of all, everyone kept insisting that everything was fine and there was no need to worry.

Really, Bilbo wasn't stupid. No matter what the three bed-bound Durins thought of him.

_"Bilbo... Please, knowing that you are well protected helps me to rest easier."_

Not that he could successfully argue with them either. There was something just not right about arguing with someone as they were trapped in bed and recovering from life threatening injuries. Fili and Kili's newly discovered skill at giving him watery wide-eyed begging looks didn't help either.

-/-/-

Nori frowned as he fished the note from out of the unconscious dwarf's pocket. It was coded, but the method looked vaguely familiar. Perhaps Ori would have a better idea of what it was supposed to say. He'd developed a disturbing knack for codes and code breaking that Balin was taking shameless advantage of.

"This the one?"

Nori rolled his eyes. "Nah, this one's just the one that stole the stuff from Dale's supplies. He didn't have the coin to pay the store master himself."

Dwalin grunted, but threw the dwarf over his shoulder and clapped Nori on the shoulder. "Still, good job at finding him. Wouldn't have thought to check the ledger myself."

Nori gave him a sharp smile. "Send me a message when he wakes up. I want to help question him."

"You and Thorin both. The sooner he's up and ready to give a public announcement the sooner the rumours will be put to rest and this revenge business can all die down."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Yoru_Hana's fault. Completely.

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a random thought when reading Dori's explanations of the differences between dwarves and hobbits to Bilba in the Mediator by Mynuet (particularly chapter 4). I thought, well, different races being allergic to different things... What if this had happened at the begining? What if someone ate something they really shouldn't in that big rush to the pantry... What if it was really really poisonous to dwarves?
> 
> Nah... I couldn't do that to Bilbo. The dwarves would kill him - especially if it was Kili or Fili.
> 
> Still, if anyone wants to write a darker version where that did happen, feel free - just drop me a line. I would be particularly interested in reading about the aftermath... Picture it one of the Company being accidentally poisoned (fatally or otherwise) and blame being thrown around left, right and centre... Would there be a murder trial in the Shire? Dwarf justice? How would it all work?


End file.
